Broken.

At last, this is my breaking point
You've pushed and fought against it so many times
What started out as just a scratch
Is now a mess of fragments barely holding together
And you've finally done it
My soul is shattered
I am broken

Loneliness

Do you ever get that heavy feeling deep down in your chest?
Like an overwhelming sense of emptiness?
Where you feel as if everything going on has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Because you are nothing.

Unwanted, unloved, not even a speck of dirt on a clean white paper.
Then you think to yourself, no, I am someone.
I have people who love me...

But then of course that heaviness comes back and fills you with doubt.
You don't have any "girlfriends", you're estranged from your family.
All the people you used to be close to have found other friends.

You've gone from being outgoing and friendly to shy and reclusive.
You can be in a room full of people and still feel that loneliness.
It never truly goes away.

Sometimes you can be different.
You're outgoing and friendly and you can make a difference in the world.
Everything is light and bright and you have a purpose.

Then, as always, that loneliness comes creeping back slowly.
And it always finds you.
And now, here you are, sitting at your desk silently shedding tears,
wondering how you can feel so all alone and dark
in an office filled with loud people and bright florescent lights.

Do you ever get that feeling?
No?
Me neither.

WODW: Untitled (for now)

Be like the sun,
Shining bright and spreading warmth.

Be like the moon,
Beautifully mysterious through your phases.

Be like the stars,
A glimmer of hope during the darkest times.

-

Whatever you choose to be -
Sun, moon or stars,

I will be like the sky,
To hold every part of you.

 -------

I wrote this a while back (probably around November or so) but haven't posted it until now because I've been trying to come up with a title for it.  I still haven't come up with anything that I think is fitting.  So, I decided to just post it anyway in the hopes that maybe one of you wonderful and insightful readers could help me out with a title.

Just a little background on this:  I was inspired to write this while talking with my kids about the kind of people they want to be when they get older.

So, what do you think?  Have any ideas about a title?  Have any editing comments?  (Kind of unsure about: whatever vs. whichever)

WODW: Looking for Guidance

Lately my posts have been few and far between and though I've been wanting to write, I haven't really been inspired enough to put together a complete post other than the random ones I've done.  I've been so busy with real life - work all week (and some weekends), kids' school projects, holidays, birthday parties, kids' sports, running errands, cleaning and organizing the house - that I feel like I have no time for anything else. 

My down time (if any) is spent sitting on the couch staring at the TV screen - not really watching, just trying to melt into the sofa and be invisible for a little while before someone comes screaming about a toy not being shared, a mess that needs cleaning, a last minute science project due the next day or some other catastrophe.  Needless to say, my writing process is pretty much nonexistent right now and I'd like that to change.


Writing always used to come easy for me.  It was a way to express my feelings, to let out anger, to put my memories and thoughts on paper.  English and creative writing were my favorite classes in high school.  I enjoyed the challenge of daily writing prompts and loved having my work edited and reviewed by my teachers and my peers.  Every comment, notation and red mark helped me learn and become a better writer.

Now, as an adult, I feel as though I struggle with my writing.  The chaos of everyday life is draining and I don't have the energy to set aside time to write.  And, when I do write, I feel as though I'm not writing at my best because I don't have the guidance or feedback I need to do better.  That feeling throws me into a funk and makes me lose interest in what I'd written or had planned to write.  Does anyone else feel that way?

I know that managing my time better would give me the freedom to write, but the passion and all the feels I used to have about writing and the writing process in high school will still be missing.  My motivation to write comes and goes so quickly that sometimes it takes me a ridiculous amount of time to get through one piece.  (I started drafting this post a week ago).  Sometimes I read through it before I publish, sometimes I just hit "Publish" and close the browser without proofreading or even reading the completed post just to get it done.  That's not how I want it to be anymore and that's not how I want to write.

I want to be a better writer, not just for blogging, but for life in general.  I love learning and sharing what I've learned with others, I love being able to express myself on paper and have those words inspire others.  So...I'm thinking about taking up a writing course to help me get to where I want to be with my writing skills.  I don't know where or how just yet, but it's something that I've been contemplating for a while now so I'm finally going to start looking around for classes, workshops, etc.  In the meantime, I'm going to TRY to start writing more by doing more prompts, writing more inspiring posts, and by keeping a journal or something to jot down thoughts, poems, stories, etc.

What is your writing process?  Do you know of any online classes or courses that you could recommend to me?  What is something you love doing but haven't been able to do lately?

WODW: Pride

I am patient.
I am brave
I am heart.

I am quick.
I am beautiful.
I am smart.

I am strong.
I am wild.
I am loud.

I am fierce.
I am cunning.
I am proud.

Write or Die Wednesdays

Running barefoot in the night
Blades of grass slipping between my toes
Your rough, callused fingers intertwined with mine
Our breath visible in the cold, crisp air
You look back at me over your shoulder and smile
That smile.

I could follow you anywhere and I know I'd be safe
Time means nothing when we're together
We're vagabonds, you and I
With no real place to call our home
We'll find someplace someday
Maybe.

I am your home and you are mine
So for now, let's just continue
Wandering.

Write or Die: Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda...

Okay, first off, I can’t think of “no regrets” without thinking of the “No Ragrets” tattoo from the movie, We’re the Millers.  Anyway.

Back in my rebellious, destructive teenage years, I would boast and brag about having “No Regrets! (Woohoo!)” and living my life however I pleased because “I do what I like”, and all that shit.  See, back then I thought I was pretty badass.  And as a naïve teenage girl, “badass” meant drinking, smoking, modeling and gogo dancing, getting invited to the VIP area, being famous and having people send me gifts and treat me to things.  Basically, I was Miley Cyrus - even though at the time she was still 'Hannah Montana'.

Because I was such a badass, I thought “why the fuck do I need college?  I make $500 a weekend just hanging out at the club!” so I stopped going to my classes.  I said, “what’s the harm in posting my life on the internet?  My fans want to meet me in person!” and I gained stalkers.  I figured, “I’d rather die young and pretty than old and ugly” so I drank a lot, drove drunk if I had to and parked my car on random side streets downtown to sleep if I couldn’t make it home.  My whole life revolved around myself and my selfish ways because I figured that nobody else gave a shit, the only person who would look out for me was me.

And then I met Joey.

No, it’s not like the heavens opened up and his angelic face appeared in the clouds - we’re being real here.  We met, we talked, we hung out, we made out – and I thought it was like the other young teenage love stories that I had already gone through (and no, I won’t mention how many times) – but with him it was different.  He saw past all my bullshit.

He didn’t care about how much money I made or what celebrity I rubbed elbows with.  He was over that already.  He treated me like an adult, and I grew up quick and learned that when you’re in a real adult relationship, you can’t be acting like a child.  He showed me that it didn’t have to be “live fast, die young” all the time and that there was so much more to life than social status.

I’m older now (28, yikes!) and we have 3 crazy/wonderful kids and when I compare my life now to how it was before, I can’t help but feel a little bit of regret towards certain decisions I’ve made in the past.

I regret not finishing school and trying hard enough while I was still there.  I regret being such a bitch to some people and using them for my personal gain.  I regret being so careless about my body and my values.  I regret feeling so selfish and spiteful that I almost ruined my relationship.  But most of all, I regret that it took me this long to realize that to live a life with no regrets is impossible.  I am constantly growing, learning and changing along with the rest of the world.

Worrying about the past won't change it, but learning from the past can lead to a much better future.

Write or Die: History is a Mystery

So this year I planned to start trying new things and practicing good habits in order to better myself.  I'm also working on honing my mad skillz and challenging myself to take things to a whole 'notha level (while still remaining gangsta, obvs).  That being said, I've decided to start joining up with one of my favorite bloggers, Vashelle, (who is also absolutely GORGEOUS online and in person) for Write or Die Wednesdays.  It's a great link-up that not only allows us to meet new people and discover new blogs, but it also helps us to explore and develop our writing skills and gain inspiration to push through our writing slumps.

This week's writing prompt is:

As soon as I read this week's prompt I started racking my brain to figure out what I would write about.  Stonehenge?  The Loch Ness Monster?  Aliens?  Why there's always at least one sock without a match when you do laundry?  Of all the things I thought of, there was one word that kept coming to mind:  HISTORY.

Now, to some people, this may not seem like such a mysterious thing.  We do know a lot about what has happened in the past because there are a lot of things and events which have been documented by others who have lived through it.  Unfortunately, there are still a LOT of gaps and holes and unanswered questions that we may never fill or find the answer to.  That is the mysterious part.

The artifacts we've dug up from the ground, the books and journals we've gathered information from still don't tell us everything.  We know that gigantic reptiles roamed the earth once because we've found their bones and fossils but we still don't know why they all died.  We know that man created the wheel but we still don't know who created it and how it happened.

History is one of the biggest mysteries of the world to me.  It's actually fascinating to me.  Did I ever mention that at one point I had my heart set on being an archaeologist?  Not just an archaeologist, but an Egyptologist actually.  I've just always had a thing for Egypt.  The pyramids, the royal scandals, the religious and political turmoil - I'm getting excited just thinking about it!

What about you, what do you find mysterious?  Do you believe in Nessie?  Are you a closet history nerd like I am?